The might of the pen

The tale that collected dust

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 21:40:05 GMT

Disclaimer: This is a true story! I wrote it quite a while back, and it was miraculously rediscovered in one of the forums that I frequently participate. I decided that it belongs here, to be revisited by my future self so she can laugh at my amateurish writing skills.

****

I used to live with my grandparents back in China. My uncle brought a pair of parrots, then gradually the family of parrots increased and our house was always lively with the chatters of birds (even at 4am!) As time passed, we discovered that the lifespan of the parrots living here rarely lasts longer than a year, and we didn't know if it was premature or that birds have a short lifespan. I observed these birds finding companionship in each other, quarreled, had petty fights, and found comfort in each other within the confines of their cage. I also observed some of them lucky ones finding mating partners - lucky, because my parrots seemed to be somewhat selective about their mates. One male and female parrots that one randomly pairs up together doesn't automatically become mates, I've seen.

There was a particular pair of parrots: one was green feathered, and one was blue. There was a long history of mischief and trouble behind the blue feathered parrot - she was the fiercest biter, the most defiant, and the most troublesome when released about the house.

In daytime, I'd release them from their cages so they can fly around the house and experience greater freedom (making sure that all windows are closed, of course.) At night time, I would take a broom in my hand, and the cage in my other, pointed the broom to the birds then to the cage. Some of the smarter birds understood immediately and flew in to the cage, where the other aged, more easily worn out birds is already napping inside the cage. The *other* birds, however, are either dimmer in intelligence or plain defiant. Blue was always one of them. When I try to get other birds in the cage, I'd coax them into my hands (took quite a while to convince them all that it's time to go "home"), then gently guide them down from the windowpanes or where other high place that birds likes to settle themselves on. With blue, however, not only do I have to directly catch her with my hands, but I also have to wear a *glove* lest she bites me and reward me with rabies (she bites damn hard!).

After that, I'd clean the crap that they shitted all over the place. Then go to bed myself. If the birds chattered with themselves among the cages - which they usually do when the moon is full and illuminate their cage, giving them the notion that it's not quite bedtime yet - I'd cover the entire cage with a black blanket and VOILA - all is silent. (!)

One fine day (I was living 3rd floor of a 6th floored apartment), I took the cage of parrots out to the balcony for some sunshine. And on that particular day, my ears picked up something unusual from the bird's usual conversaion (not that I understood any of it). All parrots were singing in unisons at times, or one of these parrots would seem to be yelling out of the cage at some distance, then waited silently. Then my ears would pick up a single parrot call - not from the cage, but from a distance. And soon enough, and sure enough, my eyes spotted the summoned lone parrot flew in the sky, swooping down to the balcony and grasping the side of the cage with his talons. With one look at the freed parrot, I guessed he might have escaped from some other family of pet parrots and didn't know the rules of the jungle. He was dangerously thin, like he hasn't eaten since. He didn't try to escape as my hands wrapped around him and put him inside the cage; if his escape had to do with being caged, then I guess he must have thought he had less to lose back in the cage (than starving to death.)

Gradually this new green parrot's feathers are no longer dull and few from the lack of nutrition. He began to gain weight rapidly (it's AMAZING how fast these birds grow), got acquainted with his new friends, and seemed to be quite content of my once-per-day flight policy around the entire house. The most amazing part, is me seeing my troublesome blue bird-friend got cozy with the new green new-bird-comer, coming each other's fur on the head (the more lonely birds do that by rubbing his/her head against the cage. It's always good to have a partner to wash your back now and then :D), and sleeping with one's head (half-way hiding) under the other's chin. To me, their affection towards each other is quite an enigma - especially on the part of that blue bird, because for one, the newcomer was a skinny weak dude who was recovering from starvation, and my bluebird was a peerless beauty with blue feathers that would make a clear blue sky looks grey and morose (I'm exaggerating, of course. But I'm trying to emphasize on the total inequality of their appearances and their physical attributes.) But then again, what do I know about bird love? I'm not a birdie.

Unfortunately, the green newcomer's heath has deteriorated greatly in his life on the outside. He didn't last more than a few weeks. What happened afterwards was *the* most heartbreaking experience I've ever had. I saw a dramatic change in my usually feisty, aggressive blue bird. She no longer pushed the other birds out of the way arrogantly (because she's kind of big for a parrot. No parrot ever dared to pick on her.) as she made her way out of the cage. She no longer WAS out of the cage at all. She didn't eat AT ALL, and I've no idea how much she slept. She didn't talk, didn't even squeak a single sound days after days. (There really should be a bird therapy/counselling clinic somewhere. I'm serious.) In fact, she's never out of the cage when I set the other birds out of the cage to fly around. I sighed, and dragged her by the tail (I was only 7 years old at that time.) She was a total deadweight as I dragged her out of the cage. I cautiously wrapped my good hand around her thinning body, somehow intuitiously knowing that she wouldn't bite me like she usually did now, and put her on the windowsill among her friends. I then proceeds to go off to elementary school (which takes about 20 steps from my apartment. So usually my grandparents didn't accompany me.) to skip ropes in those fancy ways with the other kids on the playground, trying to outdo each other. But when I finally came home, the bluebird wasn't there. And I was told that she "fell off" the windowsill and died...

It was a memorable moment. Later I find myself comparing human relationships with each other with that of the blue and green and white parrots of the world, and realize it's not the passion or the loyalty or the deepness that we lacked to have a successful relationship...it's simplicity. At 7, I learned to keep some tears to myself. I've cried many tears in front of adults and my peers alike - authentic and fake-tautdrum tears alike, but crying over a bird? Shame on me, thought I, as I laid still under my blanket pretending a deep sleep, and waited until the adults are sound asleep in their own dreamworlds. Then I sneaked out of bed and walked onto the balcony, where I knew my grandmother has thrown the body of the new green bird 3 floors down below, without a proper burial. There I finally released myself there, wondering if grandma has done the same thing to the bluebird...

***

PS. On the other hand, the blue parrot will no longer be able to shit on my head...

Philosophy 101

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 15:54:36 GMT

- All spell casters abuses their power.
- I AM a caster of spells.
- Therefore I'm an bad, bad witch :P

...Because I'm collecting the number of Mamun's "missed calls" on my cellphone like a trophy...what a sadistic thing to do.

It's much like the way those un-looked-at spam mails are doubling in the spam folder of my Gmail account daily. (Geez...now if only my bank account would miraculously do that. Or my IQ. Both will eventually lead to world domination.)

Update: Have you ever wondered where the term "business" came from? The luxury of spare time are seldomly granted for those who leads a busy lifestyle. WHO leads a busy lifestyle? People with businesses to concern themselves with. WHAT is the characteristics of a busy lifestyle? Simple! Busi-ness.

Get it?

[Inane post will be deleted on the next update]

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 21:48:16 GMT

"Let me say this about people who believe in just being honest and straightforward with criticism: their motives are generally not pure and honest at all. There is often an undercurrent of hostility directed at the target; they themselves feel insecure, or in need of asserting their power. A person who truly cares about expressing a criticism in a way that is constructive looks at the individual he or she is facing and decides, strategically, what will work, what will improve the target's performance in the long run. "

The concise translation: Honest people are not necessarily considerate of others.

My shameful confessions

Thu, 21 Sep 2006 04:15:30 GMT

Dear Diary,

Allow me to make a confession, one which I've refrained from making for weeks. My reticence tormented me, my guilt teared away at my conscience. Having no one to talk to, and being confused about what really happened, I put away my problems to face the new challanges that life brings me, for I can run away from my past...at least for a little while, but never can I turn away from facing the future. It was too important.

It did not take long for me to figure out that there is no future for me if I do not confront my past troubles - something that I always knew, but it was never a lesson for me to learn until now. Running away is never the solution. Although talking about it didn't solve the problem, I find solace in knowing that there is somebody out there who heard my words and understood my pains.

And now for my confession: I failed a friend. I failed someone who was there for me in my worst troubles. I failed someone who understood me the best, listened to my innermost private thoughts. Someone who empowered me to do my best and believed I can make it in life. How? He became dishonest with me, I confronted him, and he refused to communicate openly like he always did before, so effortlessly. I blamed myself for it. It must have been something I've done or said that hurt, or betrayed him in ways that I do not know. But he denied that was so, and told me I was paranoid. He denied so much, "me thinks he protests too much."

I've come to realized that he's not the person he wanted everybody to believe he was. I've ignored the signs, finding it hard to believe at first. He placed such emphasis on the importance of self discovery, he was obsessed with the conceptualization of self identity, that what's left for one to conclude but that the man knows himself? But it wasn't knowledge of himself he sought.

From his past, he talked about how inferior he felt next to his brother. He was dead jealous of his brother, wanted to have his grace, his charm, his ability to get attention from everyone. As he grew up, he was set on distinguishing himself from his brother. He had something to prove, or so it seems to me - that his brother isn't the only kind to deserve admiration, perhaps. He scorned upon superficialities, euphemisms, and so called social etiquette that people put up for the sake of maintaining the social order known as civilization. When you peel the skin away, he said, the rest is shadows. Nothingness.

It was a perfect fit to my philosophy on the essence of humanity. But I guess nobody told him that he is already worthy of love, simply by staying true to himself. If at least one person tell him that, as he has told me with such sincerity that I began to believe in myself, then maybe those shadows of insecurity will be gone from the radiance of his own beauty - which he has perhaps missed the opportunity to find. Or maybe he already have build his character and stayed true to himself in some ways, but there's no denying that he's suppressing much of the qualities inherent within him. He especially looks down upon feminine traits, which he have in abundance. That was only one example. The worst of all is: he isn't the carefree person he'd like to have everybody believe. In fact, he takes himself very, very seriously. I didn't believe it at first, but it all made sense - his dogmatism, oftentimes sticking to his own intepretations and refusing to think outside himself (which can be done by trying to think in other people's point of view). In one music forum, I've mentioned that there are two types of thinkers - one who make his own intepretations, and one who listens and understand the way others think. The former leads to greater introspection and self discovery, while the latter leads to enlightenment. Neither is wrong or bad, when given a balanced dose of each. But the excess of the former contributes to dogmatism, with the other contribution factors being: insecurity of one's own standpoint, which I believe is the consequence of self deceit, which by the way leads to one taking oneself too seriously.

The excess of the latter leads to self neglect. The opportunities for personal growth and the development of potentials lies with those who knows themselves. (That's what I believe, at least.) But I digress. Truth had its way, eventually. To witness the betrayal of self is a tragic thing. As secure and sure of himself as he seems, that's the only weakness in his character. It's a HUGE weakness; when you build your castles of self deceit on thin layers of ice, one day it will all come crashing down on you. You drown, nobody hears your screams outside the four walls you surrounded yourself with. My pleading voice cannot penetrate those walls, as much and as often as I've tried to let him know...that I'm here. That I'll always be here, and I won't go away.

What's there to do? Huh? What IS there to do?! My head must have been bald from scratching as I asked myself. But as time passed, my life...instead of falling to pieces, it went on without him. I gave him up. True friends never gives up on one another. That means only one thing: I'm a lousy friend.

I let him go. Even my heart moved on, though it didn't heal without scars. My mind concentrated on school and music. At night, I wander off to dreamland to do all the things that isn't mortally, physically, and realistically possible. He have no part in my life anymore, and I feel less and less bad about it, gradually. That means only one thing: I'm the worst friend alive. I'm too selfish to learn how to be a friend. I don't deserve to have friends. It makes me feel like the worst human being alive, like I'm unworthy of love, of friendship, and of the admiration that I so constantly receives from even total strangers.

After telling Neena everything, now I've told you. The guilt still bore holes in my conscience. My worst critic. My merciless Judge. It isn't over. I have a feeling that my retrial is not far in the future, and I vow to not fail another friend. My black wells of despair, my fears of the uncertain...there's really nothing that can stop me from trying at the very least.

Edit: I realized that I've written this entry elaborately and, as always, dramatically. Usually it was for my writing pleasures; this isn't "usually". I want to point out that I mean every word I say here, and as seriously as if they were written in blood.

Philosophy and theology

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 22:49:02 GMT

outstretchedarm
Flipside's Authority on Hip Hop, Philosophy, & Bible

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Philosophy and Theology: Questions for Reflection and Discussion [flammable]
« on: Yesterday at 11:54:06 AM »
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[these are some questions I posed/posted in a google group for a class I'm taking, but thought I'd share on flipside as well]

The first couple of chapters of Erickson's theology deal with the relationship between philosophy and theology. Its worth thinking about. Don't feel your answers must be constrained to discussing within Erickson's framework, however.

1) To what extent is God limited by the laws of logic (such as the law of non-contradiction), the laws of mathematics (such as the commutative principle, a * b = b * a) and the laws of physics (such as the conservation of energy)?

2) How useful are syllogisms (a type of logical argument) in the construction of theological positions? For instance, if the Bible asserted:

all christians are going to heaven (for example)

everybody going to heaven is holy

would we then be justified in asserting that :

all christians are holy

? Again, the debate is not about the subject matter of the above argument, but rather its form. How much truth value (if we can discuss such as thing as having degrees) does the logical conclusion have in relation to its truly biblical premisses?

3) Can/should secular philosophies be "baptized," that is, christianized? Is it worthwhile to adapt platonism, aristotelianism, etc to the christian worldview?

4) Is experience "admissable evidence" in an intellectually rigorous debate about God, especially a debate/discussion between theists and non-theists?

Your thoughts?

(This entry is cross-posted on the Theology I: Google Group)

My response (recorded to be reviewed in some distant future so my future self can laugh in amusement at me):

1. Since no one have pure knowledge of God (other than what word they receive from the Bible, of which the authenticity is doubtful.) to determine the limits of said omnipotent God within the confines of logic, by putting our hopelessly ignorant minds to work, is an impossibility.

2. Given the premises, and assuming that the premises are true (which ZeHoS doesn't think so Hehe), the conclusion makes sense. Since there are debates among the aethists over the authenticity of the Bible, over faith, and the nature of religion in general, I don't even see a point to make my own point here. The Christians already have faith in the words of the Bible, so naturally they will accept your premises as truthful as the words of their God. The aethists, on the other hand, will simply agree that the conclusion is logical given the premise, but they may find the premises...well, for the lack of a better word...ridiculous.

On the given premises, whether all christians are going to heaven or not depends on how you define a "christian", by what criteria does one qualify as a christian? Do you define a christian based in his faith alone? Or by his love and compassion for his fellow human beings? Do you judge him on his opinions, or on his actions? Is a christian still one when he has molested a child?

If everybody who IS good and holy, and all that good stuff, is going to heaven...heaven must be a lonesome place to be, I guess Undecided

But if you mean "holy", by committing your life to doing good, by (for example) refraining from acting upon a desire that may bring harm to another fellow human being, then there could be a few people up there. Who knows Roll Eyes

One's beliefs are one's own concerns, as it usually should be.

3. Uh...that depends on the motivations behind why a christian would like to baptize secular philosophy. To confirm christianity? The art of philosophy lies in the in-depth interpretation on varied issues. One may bend the words of a philosophy authority to serve one's own purposes, whatever that is. As far as whether one SHOULD do it, maybe an important question to ask is: Will you learn more by trying to understand philosophy through the eyes of Aristotles, or by making your own intepretations and thinking inside your own little box? I think both are important - one leads to enlightenment, and another to greater introspection and learning of one's true identity. But going by the latter without the former will bring one no intellectual progress. (Not to mention that it's also an indication that vanity is at work.)

4) Experience is not "sufficient" substantiation in an intelligent, philosophical debate on the existence of God. Just as data without some form of organization cannot produce meaningful and useful information, to draw conclusions based on experience and observations alone, without undergoing critical thinkings and trial/error experimentations to produce scientific data is likely to be biased. Back when we did not have the knowledge of astronomy, wasn't it common sense that the sun revolved around us? (I believe that idea originated from Christianity.) Wasn't it common sense that based on women's physical inferiority, all feminine character traits are looked upon as inferior. Even now, it was degrading for a man to show his feminine side in public, while for the woman to show her masculine side was...an indication of progress, perhaps? Nutter

In conclusion, to draw truthful conclusions based on experience alone is foolish.

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 03:53:05 GMT

I can't separate my acquaintances from my enemies anymore, though thankfully my friends remained true, and I can always trust and count on them.

People argue/fight over the pettiest things, while their insecurities lurks underneath, eating holes in their self confidence like an ugly worm that pulls the strings with its host, saying and doing malicious things to people who have something they covets, and perhaps most of all ARE themselves something they can never be. I'm sorry for her, and I sincerely hope she work out her own problems rather than not, but I cannot afford to become a victim of her own insecurities, so I will fight to the death to what I hold on dear, with a tenacity that rivals eight thousand leeches.

...except that it doesn't feel like the right approach to me.

That's the problem with problems. One needs time to figure it all out, which is time that I don't have right now.

nonsense rhyme

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 04:39:06 GMT

As confused I am as you are,
sanity transcends as ecstasy unbounds,
flies circling 'round and 'round,
high, high, moon in sky. Next, Mars!

More inspired thoughts and reflections

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 04:34:19 GMT

I had a conversation with Pascal for four hours straight today.
[deleted]

[deleted]

[deleted]...This then leads to Pascal pointing out that the I/E mentality ultimately leads to intolerance, that there has been a time when women weren't recognized as persons until that was revealed to be true, and then jaws began to drop to the shocking new relevation. There has been debates as to whether Jews are human beings, are people. And so he made his point as to where this I/E mentality leads - intolerance of differences, the feeling of superiority that one derives from being in a certain group.

This leads me to think that the feeling of superiority from being a part of something that you believe in...[deleted]...gives you a false sense of belonging when you have yet to find your place -
[deleted]

But, that is not to say that we, as human beings, are not similar to each other, or else it will be impossible to categorize us in order to simplify the complex and to make sense of this complicated world. It's not to say that similarity we share takes away from our uniqueness, as it does not. It is our similarity that connects us, in ways that we are able to share our joys, and relieve us of our pains to a sympathetic ear. It is our similarity that helps build great bonds from one to another. It's our similarity that makes it possible to unites us towards a common goal in times of crisis.

[deleted]

[deleted]

[this is still pertaining the topic of I/E mentality, and we've already debated on whether art and entertainment is distinguishable - like we've debated many times before - or that it is the pompous, infantile mentality of I/E that is at work, when in fact the essense lies in the actual state of its being - the what IS.]

However, when Pascal asked whether I believe to be making art or entertainment when I'm making music, I gave him an answer that he said impressed him deeply - which was to be expected, as we share very self centered attitudes...[deleted]. I told him that the music I make is of personal value and meaning to me. It may entertain other people to hear my work, or it may gave them appreciation in a meaningful sense. But be it art nor music, and regardless of to whom it is art, entertainment, or both as the same thing - my best work is personally relevant to me. [deleted]

Nothing else matters.

[deleted]

[deleted]

[deleted]

[deleted]

It's wonderful to be with him, not only because he inspires me think in new ways, and not only because he always appreciates sharing what new thoughts I expressed to him. As he told me tonight, we have somehow (I think this "somehow" can be explained by reading my previous entries) developed a prescious bond that allow us to be completely comfortable and at ease with each other's precense - [deleted] - [deleted]. Words cannot describe how much I value the friendship I shares with him, or how deeply and tenderly I love him. Feelings only grew with time, and that's a very good thing, as I have someone, and I am someone to a very special person, which is a treasure that I will keep close to my heart, always.

Melodic Euphoria refuses to apologize for BRUTALLY truncating this blog entry.

My rebirth

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 03:42:20 GMT

Somebody in the forums mentioned her relationship with her mother. It brought back proud memories of how I conquered my own dysfunctional relationship with mine.

You should have lived independently of your mother's opinions long ago.

We may not be able to pick our family, but depending on our family, friends can be much closer and much more reliable. Remember, terms like "family", "friends" are merely social conventions meant to simplify life in order to make some sense out of it. There is no actual meaning in those words themselves, but the extent of your relationship with someone speaks for itself, blood ties or no.

I've thrown my own parents out of my life almost exactly three months ago. I was no more than their posession, to be invested for their own selfish purposes. There was no excuse for the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse that I went through. My father was manipulative, controlling, and violently psychopathic. My own mother was jealous of my womanhood and my youth to the point that her motherly instincts to protect was in constant conflict with her envious, malicious tendencies. When parents have gone bad in the sense that they suppresses your good qualities, controls all aspect of your life and prevents you from being who you are, do not make excuses for them, but fight for your freedom to choose by all means.

- Melodic Euphoria. M.E. Me.

"Liberty is not earned, but taken. If necessary, by sheer force."

- best friend Pascal

Incest?

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 15:51:05 GMT

I watched the japanese Anime Koi Kaze yesterday. It's was about two siblings with un-sibling love for each other, and it got me thinking about how incest is viewed nowaday. It's taboo, but I can't think of a single reason why it would be morally wrong (other than that it have a higher chance of producing mentally retarded babies), much to my surprise. We seem to simply accept it as taboo and wrong as a fact.

And even more to my surprise, I was holding my stomach in the climax of the story in Koi Kaze - not because it has gotten tragically wrong, but because of the fact that the feelings that I experience with the characters has been realized was so poignantly beautiful. Can something so beautiful be sinful? Can feelings be wrong? And why is it wrong to act upon such feelings?

I want to know why we shake our heads in disgust when we hear of incest, and I want to be sure that we're not simply being narrowminded. This issue has been on my mind ever since I read Flowers in the Attic by Virginia Andrews, where incestuous love is also one of the few major themes covered by the book.

So, feel free to discuss the anime or the book, and your opinions on both.

Comment from Pascal

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 00:53:17 GMT

My friend Angielah, you are indeed quite a splendid human being! It`s so great to see you "bloom". It should be known to all that you are imbued with quite a thirst for knowledge (one of your many great trait of personality). It is in fact, almost endless isn't it... just has endless as your cravings for more and more ice cream! But truly, I wanted you to know that it is a joy to be your friend. `:)

And it was double the joy to be yours, and my freedom isn't possible without you...<3

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 15:28:23 GMT

Nothing fancy, just WOW!

Well, today was a pretty long one for me. I got put on test set repair duty, and to make the day longer, I was really looking forward to my date tonight with Angela. That really makes the day drag... Well, the work day finally ended and I was off to the races. Rushed home, freshened up, and took off to Ottawa. Basically the whole drive there was me hoping it wasn't going to be some cruel joke and this huge 50 year old guy would answer the door and call me muffin. Fortunately, there was no such fat guy. Instead there was this vision of absolute beauty, and she was waiting for me. We drove around for a bit trying to decide on a restaurant, and since she hadn't tried most of the restaurants, I asked what she would like to eat. Seafood was the decision, so watch out Red Lobster. Now, I enjoy normal fish like perch, salmon, whitefish, etc, but she coerced me into ordering a mixed platter of crab, shrimp, and a few other things. To my surprise, I tried it all. Didn't care for the crab. Too sinewy. The breaded shrimp was damn good though. So, we basically ate and talked for the better part of 3 hours. We touched just about every subject. Some more heavily than others. I'm absolutely stunned at how much we have in common, but I'm not sure it's going to work out. She she doesn't like Coldplay!!! How is that possible??? Yeah, yeah, a lot of people don't, and they can suck my balls. Well, she starts her new job tomorrow morning, so as much as I wanted to keep her up late, the night had to end. Will there be more stories? I friggin hope so.

Jim

They sometimes rock but...
Cheap as a buck
one buck a fuck
COLDPLAY SUCK
through art of imitation
Radiohead found themselves in
Coldplay's musical compositions
cheap, cheap, cheap is
the artless, copying sucka'...

Sorry...that was twisting the knife a little too deeply. Nevertheless, I've had fun :)

Playing with the boy,

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 03:29:07 GMT

...and taking him too far, and further.

"He was going to take me to the lakeside, but there was a special event taking place at that lakeside and the place was packed, so we went elsewhere. As he drove on, he told me that he knows just the brilliant restaurant that I'd love to dine on - McDonalds. At that, I groaned, complained, and pouted. I gave him the biggest pout that my fat lower lip can muster, and it made him laugh. As his car turned, I saw that he was about to park at Diary Queen's - famous for its ice-cream.

"We're getting off now. Since you just told me that you don't like fatty food [McDonalds], I'm going to get some ice cream, and you're going to watch me eat!"

"Nooooooo!" I wailed like a 5 year old, "I want ice cream too!!"

I tagged along with him and we brought our ice cream. I chose the most colorful one, in medium. He took a while longer to choose, but his ice cream was the first to be prepared. So when he took his ice cream, he turned to me, grinned, and told me: "Well, it was decided that you won't be getting any ice cream after all - "

And then, in mid sententence, the receptionist gave me mine, and I couldn't help but laugh with him.

He led me to a nearby bench, and we sat together, in comfortable proximity to each other (which is to say, not so far away, but not so close that we appear as lovers to bypassers.) Both of us were too busy with the ice cream to say much, me more so than him. We enjoyed the comfortable silence between us.

At one point, he apologized for the inconvenience for our original plan to go to the lakeside. I told him to not be sorry, that as long as we spend time together, I do not care where we spend our time.

He told me I'm sweet. I couldn't bear to look at him, so I continued licking and sucking on my ice cream cone while silent tears of bitter sweet irony fell...

And I mean every word I say. And my love for him grow each day.

And this is the way it should be...and will always be..."

- Melodic Euphoria, for girls and boys who are no more than friends.

Moral of the story: Remember, friendship generally last longer, and can be more meaningful, than relationships.

love gave me a greater purpose to simply live my own life.

Sun, 02 Jul 2006 02:06:54 GMT

[deleted]

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 04:01:58 GMT

"I just want love, to love and to be loved, so badly that sometimes I can't even think straight."

I know this feeling well. It always feels nice to be appreciated, though don't let someone's love for you measures your self worth. You're still worth more than a man's love. Always remember that!

Now, I don't believe in soulmates...

Sat, 17 Jun 2006 23:18:04 GMT

...until he came into my life.

He gave the compatibility of the mind, the soul, and the heart an entirely new meaning for me, a meaning that supercedes friendship. He's the first guy who made it very clear that he wants...and expects...more than friendship with me the very first moment he came into my life, and he's also the first who didn't make me feel pressured or "scared away," because the desire to be in each other's company is equal in magnitude.

I always thought that friendship have potential to ultimately leads to relationship, but boy, was I wrong. Having a romantic relationship is different...more intense, euphoric. If the attraction was there in the start, it's there. If it's not, the relationship can't really begin.

And the attraction is definitely there. I'm very excited about the possibility ahead of us, this is the first guy who I liked and who liked me back, who I actually CONFESSED my feelings for him. I wonder where the story will lead to, however I fully intend to enjoy the ride in the meantime :)

Sometimes the most beautiful things are not real.

soundclick

Sat, 20 May 2006 21:31:34 GMT

I'm now known as Melodic Euphoria on soundclick and elsewhere in electronic music forums. I don't post my best work there, but stuff I made for fun or as a way to exercise my skills, I post to share with everyone.

www.soundclick.com/melodic_euphoria

Stupidity

Tue, 16 May 2006 16:22:23 GMT

*shakes head*

After all that I said to her? She still didn't get it? I mean, I know she's stupid, but WOW. She is SO stupid.

How stupid is she? How dumb? Wow...That's all she have to say? Well, fuck her. I really, really can't believe I came from her. I must have been adopted.

And yeah, I'm really not in the mood to understand "the context" that made her say empty words like "Darling" (pul-leeze!), or made her who she is. She has no choice but to own up to her actions. She have to face the fact that I'm through with her. With both of them.

All her emails are now back in my spam folder. I'm blowing up the bridges with a dynamite.

Darling,

Do you have walki-talky with you. You dad need it from this weekend (Saturday) until May 31 to communicate between roof and ground.

Much appreciate.

Mum

PS. My God. Her retardedness is amazing.

Mon, 15 May 2006 18:32:38 GMT

Normally I'd ask people's permission before I reveal their emails or letters to total strangers. In their case, I don't think they deserves that kind of considerations. I almost didn't reply her email:

On 5/14/06, Xia Qin wrote:
Hi Darling,

I would like to apologize for the last email I sent few minutes ago. I was in a hurry and did not think it through. I said imporper words in the last email may hurt you, I am terribly sorry about that. I just want to try any posible way make you to come home, I should'nt do that. I had no idea what to do without help from your uncle.

Your dad's health is not good now. He missed you so much, he couldn't say. He just kept work and work very late until mid night everyday. I worried about him too.

You have the right to make your own judgement and decide what to do. Do not worry about us, if you can not make it home, just let us know sooner rather than later so that we can make other arrangement.

Sorry again.

Mum

Hi My Darling Daughter,

I just phoned your uncle and learned that he can not take a week vacation from Vactoria Day (May 22 to May 27) due to his company's business. And the weather on the weekend (May 20 and May 21) will be raining. Your uncle may or may not come to Ottawa to help us if May 20 and May 21 are raining day. He may only have one day (May 22) not rainy to help us if he come to Ottawa only stay three days (May 20, 21 and 22). This is very bad news for us. We are in deep trouble to fix the roof.

We need hand. Your Dad and I both need to be on the roof to lift woodboard, we need another person on the ground to send thing up to the roof to us.

My dearest daughter, Your Dad and I are in the very need of our daughter to come home and help us during week from May 22 to May 27. Your Dad and Mum gave you everything you need in your food, cloths, music instrument and music classes and two years support of university over the 19 years. If you are still your Dad and Mum's daughter, please be kind enough to come home just a week to help us out (May 22 to May 27). Your dad promise to continue to support your last two years of university, you can choose to live alone, we provide financial support. Otherwise, your Dad and I will forget we had a daughter and you will lost your family completely, forever.

My Darling, please let us know if you are going to come home and help us out for the week May 22 to May 27, the sooner the better.

Thank you very much for your kindness.

Mum and Dad

But I ended up replying. I wanted them to KNOW:

Let me guess, my Dad took a read of your email, told you the tone of the email will
definitely elicit my resentment and as a result, never gets what you want from me, therefore you wrote this letter of apology. How close am I? I think I'm right on the money, that's how it always worked between you two, isn't it?
You cannot tempt me with more financial support. I will not take it; it always have the strings of obligations attached. Both you and my Dad has raised me based on a web of manipulations. And I pretended ignorance and nonchalance, but now I pretend no more. I'll be frank and honest with you. I'd like to live as a free human being from now on. I shall live freely, and independently.

My freedom is going to cost me dearly, and there are much more financial uncertainties ahead. And the funny thing is, I don't care about the $5000 - me, who's going to get into at least three more years of debt. I wanted you guys to use it on the roof! Only Jesus knows how you can need the money a lot more than I do, given the contrast that I'm living in poverty while the two of you have a steady income.

You see, your threats are not what stings. They are not what hurts. What hurts is the reminder that I've been raised, all along, as an investment that you hoped to bear fruit. Not as a human being who deserves love and some basic respect that all humans are entitled to in the name of humanity. You held me too tightly and I suffocated.

I don't owe you a thing, neither of you. It is expected of parents to support their child as best as they know how, and it WILL be expected of me to, IN TURN, support my own son or daughter the best I know how. I was hoping it'll be obvious that I'm not coming back. The past does matter, but I'm willing to forgive and to forget and to move on. But please do not bribe me and put me into obligation. Your and my Dad's concept of family I have always vehemently disagreed with - I keep it to myself, you understand, right? Mind you, I don't want to help because I have obligations to, I want to help out of love. I want to help in my own freedom.

I don't expect you to read all of that. So if you do decide to skip to the end for a conclusion, here it is. I cannot make it, & best of luck to you.

I'd like to ask only one thing of you, Dad, before I go. Both you and I know that my Mom tends to leap before she thinks. There have been things that, indeed, my Mom was the one to blame. And there are other things, I hope you know what they are, that my mom was merely the scapegoat - a tool for you to shrug off some of your responsibilities on. And Mom, you do the same thing oftentimes. I never saw you fully as an adult, to tell you the truth. Isn't it time to account for your own actions?

I don't see myself as an adult either. I know you can understand why I will refuse all your financial support from now on, aside from the strings of obligations attached to it. Please treat each other with care, both of you. That's all I ask. My uncle is a great person, let him know that when he comes. Farewell and take care of yourself, both of you, but let me be now.

You have no idea how it pisses me off that both of them are using my uncle as a worker, and not paying him - or something - for all the freetime he sacrificed for them. That's how my Dad sees my uncle, just another worker under the command of him, the king of his hill. They're hedious. I can't believe I came from them. I think I'm quite hedious too, far from my ideals. But for christsakes, I'm not low enough to use a good man or woman and treat him/her as my own little worker. I think I have been way too kind with my emails, after all. But I don't regret sending the last email I sent to both of them, because that email sums up everything I wanted to say for them while I lived with them, but wasn't able to because I was not free.

Hi Mom,

Sat, 06 May 2006 20:37:20 GMT

Your email ended up in my spam folder, for some reason. I'm sorry I couldn't reply sooner and lessen your worries. I'm just fine in my friend's place. Right now I am figuring out the direction that I would like to head, as well as the necessary next steps I must take to get there. I have to tell you, I've learned so much after I've left home - valueable experiences that I can never gain by staying at home. These are learning experiences that will help me catch up on my lack of social maturity and allow me to deal with the world and its people more effectively. Honestly, I'm doing much better now, as ironic as it sounds. Of course, I have no illusions that I can stay with my friend forever, as I will inevitably wear out the welcome. That's why my first priority is to look for a full time job that will cover living expenses and rent, which I will be able to obtain for as little as $380 to $500.

I'm still thinking about going back to the university. I know for a fact that I am allowed a maximum of 2 years away from the university before I'm considered a college drop out. In addition, I'm now qualified to obtain loans/bursaries, so I'll have to take advantage of it as soon as I figure out if I would like to stick with Accounting, or switch to a major that is more suitable for me, like Human Resources for example. Yes, I am planning to go back to the university and get a degree, as a univeresity degree is so important in building a career, and I do want to succeed. And there is no success in living up to the expectations and standards that others has set for me.

But it will take time for me to figure out what I want to do. Like I've told my uncle, it was a critical, critical mistake for me to allow my life to be planned out by somebody else. That only resulted in my lack of control over my life, my lack of self respect, and motivation to move forward with my life.

There is no doubt that there will be much hardship ahead of me, as I have had the courage enough to step out of my shelter into a world much harsher and more merciless. But it is the right choice. It's the best choice I've ever made for myself, and I shall have a great opportunity to grow and learn from that decision.

The only bad thing about leaving home is to make you worry. We have had a complicated relationship in the past, but I know how much you love me and it makes me incredibly sad and guilty to worry you so.

Well, now that I've said everything I needed to say, I wish you much luck with the house and with my father. You really should have used the $5000 for the roof. I wouldn't be able to be there to help even if I want to, and besides, you two seem to need it more than I.

Much love,
- Angela

A true friend

Fri, 05 May 2006 18:14:45 GMT

How rare they are!

How rare it is to have someone you can share your mind with! Or confide in your deepest secret! Or pour your heart out to a sympathetic ear! How rare it is to find a friend who is willing to help you out of the willingness to help, without expecting obligations or anything in return? A true friend is a tiny teardrop lost in the sands, a diamond in the rough, a beautiful treasures lost among the pearls of luxurious materiality, a face that you can't quite picture in your head, a dream come true, and almost too good to be true!

Pascal and I had a huge conversation yesterday that lasted from dinner to the middle of the night. We can talk about anything, and we talked about anything and everything - no subject is taboo, or too personal, or too embarrassing. He never makes me feel ashamed of myself, and he's the only one right now who sees, understood and appreciated everything I've shown to him - which IS everything. We don't necessarily agree on everything, but there's absolutely no need to hide from him. We speaked our minds freely without reservation.

It's amazing how quickly I'm beginning to understand his thoughts - ones that he expressed to me. I.e He told me the problem he have about serious relationships - about being the center of somebody elses' universe. Being naturally introverted, he needs the privacy, the space and the emotional independency. Too much pressure scares him off. Having a chick depending too much of her happiness on him is very hard to take. That's exactly the reason why I broke up with my best friend, and he understood it completely.

One year ago I thought he was dogmatic for stubbornly adhering to the belief that I was brought up from bad parenting, and as a result I have a social intelligence of a 10 year old. A.k.a retarded. I wrote about this issue here about a year ago, by the way. I wasn't offended, but I disagreed, thinking that he needed more respect for the descrepancy between different cultures.

But now that I'm a step outside, I'm reflecting my home situation through his eyes, and I realized his concern for me was reasonable. Again, I couldn't have made it this far without him, and I wouldn't have made it if I didn't trust him enough. And I do. Maybe not completely, but there's a solid foundation for that trust to grow. And I expect the seed to spout into a beautiful, magnificent, everlasting redwood tree.

How amazing is NOW, let me count the ways - well, for one, I feel no need to close the guestroom door that I reside in all the time. I know Pascal respects my need for privacy, but I found I need a lot less privacy than I actually do at home. I know he will never peek or spy on me and snoop around in my room like a lowly burgular like my Dad did, even if both of them owns their places. Of course, I still don't do everything I want to do, but the difference is that I alone decide what I should and should not do, or how best to allocate my time. Pascal is there to empower me to be my own person, be the lord of my destiny, the driver of my own life. I'm not any of that yet, of course, but as Pascal put it: time heals all wounds. Time, too, will heal all the psychological damanges that has been done to my self confidence, so I may learn to take the initiative in life and learn the ropes to survive, and to strive, then to become successful by my own definition alone.

And for two, I get to play his perfect wife, doing the dishes and cleaning the bathroom, LOL!!! That was a bad joke! I'm not a wife and never will I be. Such is the necessity for committed artists. Doing the dishes was completely unnecessary, as there's a nice dish washing machine that will do the job, plus I guess it wasn't expected of me even if he outwardly said so. But it's amazing how I've turned into a tiny bit of a neat freak for his convenience, and I did it this time not out of dutiful obligations like I did back home, but out of love. Pure motives. 100% no strings attached. This is a better, kinder, more vunerable side of me that I never reveals to anyone for fear that they took advantage of me. OR take me for granted. But I know Pascal will never do that.

Simply. Wonderful.

Email from uncle

Fri, 05 May 2006 17:31:42 GMT

Hi uncle,

Do not worry about me. Please. I'm 19, and not the wisest youngester in the world. I've made stupid decisions in the past, but the stupidest decision I've made of them all, is to allow myself to lose control over my life. I need time to figure out what I want to do with my life without losing sight of my true goals. I need time to find where my true goals lie, then take the intiative to go for it.

I'm one spoiled girl, uncle. In fact, I've been spoiled retarded back home. In fact, staying any longer with them will ruin any of my chances to learn about taking the initiatives. Because, having dreams are fine. I have plenty of those. But dreams multiplied by zero action, results in nothing. In order for me to mature, I have the learn on my own.

It's sad that my folks don't even know the support that's available for me out there. I suppose it's natural for them and for you to assume the worst to happen to me. Truth is, I made a bold move the day before yesterday. Bold, but not reckless. I did not move out as a result of disappointment - not disappointment over the exams, and what not. It's these little things over the years that gradually added up, that gave me more than enough need to move out: I moved, precisely because I feel that I'm living for the standards and expectations not of my own making. I am not living for myself, but as an investment that is expected to yield dividends. Only recently have I found the courage to actually do it. I will not explain any further than that, because time has proven, again and without failing, that explanations are futile. I'm here to save myself, save my sanity, and to learn the rules of survival without the sheltered, protected life I've led for way too long. I'll take care of myself from here on, thanks for your concern.

From here on, I do intend to go back to the university, just not immediately. And I don't expect anybody else to pay for my way other than me, from here on. I don't expect to be a so-called dead weight burden to them anymore. You know, I've lend them a good deal of my summer savings ($5000, to be exact), and I wrote to them to use it to fix the roof. But I have a feeling it won't be used on that, I know how my parents are, but I digress. Right now, I'm looking for a full time job as well as a decent room. I'm sorry to say, I may reveal neither my location nor the names you asked for. Actually, I'm laughing right now because my parents, at this moment, must think I'm fooling around with the boys and prostituting myself to get here. Well, that is not the case. Their paranoia is no longer my problem. I'm not laughing out of maliciousness or spite, mind you. Not even out of bitterness. I'm laughing because I'm relieved to be free of that dysfunctionality, which has eaten away at my sense of security and my self confidence over the years - as effective communication with them is practically and at tines literally impossible.

No, friends are generally not reliable. I really do think so. If there's one useful thing I've learned over the years of growing up, it's to never trust anyone. Truthfully I trusts almost nobody completely now, and if I didn't trust my friend here, there's no way I would have accepted the support. But I have support here - the most reliable one I can ever receive. Again, stop worrying. I've taken complete control over my life, ~~and there's no regret. Only triumph.~~

Bye and take care of yourself. You've been very good to me, uncle. And I cannot find the words to express my gratitude, and I do trust that your concern for me is genuine with no-strings-attached. So thank you, for being one of the truest friend I can ever have on the face of this earth. Someday we may meet again when my position is more secure. For now, you will be missed dearly.

- Angela
----------------------------------------
> From:
> To:
> Subject:
> Date: Fri, 5 May 2006
>
> We are very worrying about you. please tell me where you are and who you
> are with now. Remember that only your parents are the most dependable
> person in this world. No one in this world other than your parents care
> more about you. I know you may feel very depressed for the result of one
> course(intermedia accounting??)in mid-term exam. you don't wanna let
> anybody down. I believe you can do it much better if given another chance.
> Can you tell me who you are living with right now? you know, friends
> sometimes are not so reliable. don't do anything that may lead yourself
> into a dangerous situation even if your friends tell me nothing to be
> worried about.
>
> take care!!
>
> Ancle Ted
>
>

One step outside

Thu, 04 May 2006 16:28:25 GMT

I finally ran away from home! It may prove to be the stupidest decision I've ever made in the long run, or possibly the smartest. But regardless of what happens next, every step I take from here on to the end, is a step I take for myself alone. Now that I've finally have the courage to leave home, leave my dependency behind, I can now start anew. I can finally start to respect myself.

Thanks to one of my best friends for making this all possible. As much as I'd like to be independent in all aspect, I wouldn't have made it this far without him. And I've gotten far over one single day - the day I packed my bags and called the taxi. It was a huge jump from the past from the present. It was a bold move - bold because I've taken a huge risk without too much planning ahead, and I do not know the consequences of my bold action that lies ahead of me. BUT I am not regretting a thing. I'm not turning back now.

I am planning to be away from the university for approximately one year. I only have two years before I'm considered a dropout. But two years is a lot more than enough time to figure out what [b]I[/] SHOULD be doing with my life, as opposed to what was expected of me. I'm sick of pleasing everybody around me, most of all my parents. I know that even if I do get an accounting certificate, which WOULD be a major accomplishment since it's one of the hardest subject to master, everybody around me would be proud. I'd be please with myself, but only momentarily. And if I'm not as self aware as I am, I would then continue to work my life away. Happiness would be a cryptic concept that seems to elude me like an imaginary shadow. I would inevitably feel that somehow, there's a lot missing in my life. I wouldn't know where that feeling come from.

And I have a feeling that it'll be what happens to me if I continue down the wrong path, towards a fate not of my own making. I don't want to be lost to my true goals. In order to find it, I must realize for myself what it is I'm suppose to be doing.

Hence, my vacation :)

Short term goal: Decent, full time job that'll cover rent and living expenses.

Long term goal: working on it. I'm planning to ultimately combine my passion with a career. The possibility includes a music producer, writing music for films or videogames. I can probably also work on novels, but I might be less committed to it because writing doesn't come to me as naturally as music does. Music is THE most natural thing that comes to me.

Pics of my new room

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 17:50:48 GMT

Here's my new room, which I just moved in yesterday. Me and my parents have been working on the floors, wall repairs, wall painting with rollers, wall fillings, ceiling, curtain glueing, curtain repair, pulling out excess nails on wall and mirror and heater and stuff, wallpapering, paint jobs, etc, etc for several tedious months. The end results? Lookie! -

Me in my yoga pose

A compliment from the mirror is the highest form of flattery.

I was photographing my beautiful vanity mirror. I swear.

B*witched by some bug on the ceiling.

and the reactions to my correctly predicted outcome of the election?

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 14:10:40 GMT

Poor Steve.

Martin, Harper and Layton are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in British Columbia when Martin turns to Harper and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."

Harper shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy."

Not to be outdone, Layton says, "Well, I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out the window and make 32 million people happy."